Sometimes I wonder why......

At times I wonder why things have turned out the way they have. I know that there must be a reason, but I have yet to be let in on the secret. As March approaches every year, I find myself being more emotional and feeling down on myself. It always takes me a while to realize that I am feeling this way because of the anniversary of Miranda's birth and death approaching, along with my Mom's birthday and the anniversary of her death. You see, four years have passed already since that horrible night, and yet, I still find myself feeling like my heart has been ripped from my chest. They say that it gets better with time, I often wonder how much time it takes for it to feel better. I still look at babies and feel like I have been cheated, I still wonder "what if". I know that all of the "what ifs" in the world do nothing to bring Miranda or my mom back, but I am human and it is impossible not to ask myself "what if". What if we had taken a different route that night, what if we had gone to Wal-Mart instead of heading right home, what if we had just eaten dinner at home that night. I have been reading a blog written by a man here in Michigan who lost his wife and his baby Miranda due to a tragic auto accident. In his blog, he states that God let this happen to spare them from something more tragic later in life. I don't know what could be more tragic, but if God is sparing us from something more tragic, then I thank him. I have to believe that is the case, because the God everyone speaks of certainly wouldn't take away my baby and my mother at the same time unless it was to spare us from something more tragic. I find myself depressed recently not only because of the anniversaries that are approaching, but also because I feel overweight, and not at all pretty. I am overweight, and I certainly know that I need to lose weight, but find myself not really having the motivation to do so. I know what it takes to lose weight, and I often give it a good try, only to find that I get discouraged and stop quickly. In a society that expects instant results, I become frustrated when I only lose a pound in a week, or my clothes are still fitting the same after a month. I am realistic, I know that it takes time, but I am also human. I want to feel better about myself sooner rather than later, but have not yet found what will help me to do so. So, I keep on trying and at times crying, and count my blessings for Geoff and Ashlyn.